Title: Letters from PO’d Elf Lords
Author: TrinityTheSheDevil
Rating: PG
Summary: A letter from Elrond, to all fanfiction writers.
Disclaimer: I don’t own’em. *sigh*
Dear Fanfiction Authors,
It has come to my attention that you all seem to take perverse pleasure in
torturing my foster son. Countless time have I healed the wounds you have
inflicted upon him. Countless time have I soothed his whimpers, from the
nightmares you have caused him. You would not *believe* the therapy that poor
boy has been through because of you all. I have spent numerous nights pondering
exactly WHY you do this to him. So far, I’ve not come up with an answer.
It had not been so bad before. But for some reason, after about 2 years ago,
the fanfiction levels have jumped to over hundred stories by the day. HUNDREDS!
I cannot even fathom the horrors my son has seen. And does he get a break? No.
Does he get paid for this? No. What does he get then? Hell. That’s what. He is
forever being chased by evil Mary-Sues (which I am beginning to think are worse
than Sauron), he’s tortured beyond belief, and he doesn’t even get a lunch
hour.
Right about now, you’re probably thinking that I’m exaggerating. Well, I’m not.
Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. Just yesterday, my sons,
Legolas, and I were having a nice picnic by the river. It had started out a
beautiful day. We were attacked by Orcs. ORCS! In Rivendell! Preposterous!
There has never been, and never will be, Orcs in Rivendell. But yet, someone
decided there should be. And what happened then, you ask? My poor son was shot
in the back by a poisoned Orc arrow. Please, my son has enough sense to know
when to duck. You authors would make him out to be some nancy boy like Boromir,
who can’t fight. And then what happens? You knock me unconscious. I was very
annoyed at this, for two reasons. One, I am thousands of years old. I cannot
*be* knocked unconscious. Two, Aragorn was dying. Poison, ya know? So, the evil
author *finally* decided to wake me up right before the poor boy dies, so I
could heal him. What is with that?
Oh, and this isn’t all. Don’t even get me STARTED on those sick slash stories!
My son is not, I repeat ~NOT~, gay. Where do you get THAT idea? And these slash
stories don’t even make sense! One minute they’re battling Orcs for their
lives, and the next, Aragorn is having a tumble with another male in the bed
roll. I’ve even seen fics of him with Gimli. A DWARF. *insert shudder here*
And what is WITH this guilt complex you give him?! His hair is going to turn
gray before he is even eighty! Aragorn is NOT going to feel guilty over
something as trivial as starting an argument. (And the author who is most
likely reading this, knows who I am talking about.) Also, these fanfics with
Aragorn giving his life up for me…please…stop. I will NOT let anything happen
to my son! Fathers love, ya know?
So, summing it all up, let me ask this. Can you POSSIBLY find it in your hearts
to let Aragorn have a GOOD day? One where he is free to go swimming without
falling over a waterfall, hunting without getting shot, or traveling without
getting kidnapped by Orcs and whisked away to Mordor? Maybe a nice fanfic where
all he does is laze around his room all day. That was what he used to do,
before you evil authors came about. If I do not see a change, I will be forced
to show you exactly how dangerous an PO’d Elf Lord can get.
Sincerely,
Elrond, Lord of Rivendell
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Title: Letters From a PO’d Elf Lord
Author: TrinityTheSheDevil
Summary: A letter from Thranduil. *grin*
Disclaimer: I don’t own ~any~ of them. *sniffle* What more do you want me to
say?! *whines on Aragorn’s shoulder*
Dear Fanfiction Authors,
It is I, King Thranduil from Mirkwood. I am writing on behalf of my son,
Legolas. He currently cannot write to you, as he is being chased across the
Rohan plains by a hoard of indestructible fangirls. Valar be with him.
Let me tell you all a little story. When my Legolas was young, he could climb
the tallest trees, fight the meanest Orcs, and slay the biggest Wargs, without
so much as messing his hair up. Now you would have him felled by anything he
comes across.
I have spoken with Elrond, and he informed me he has also sent the bunch of you
a letter. He asked me NOT to name names, for some reason about honor and yadda
yadda yadda. BUT, I’m not Elrond. (As you notice from the difference in
eyebrows.) So, Cassia, Sio. I have a bone to pick with the two of you. Do know
possibly KNOW how much trauma Legolas went through in Captive of Darkness? I
had to break out his old teddy bear Ruffles! It was THAT bad! I truly do not
know what you get from hurting my son, but I wish you would all get therapy.
I’ll even pay for it! There must be a cure for the addiction of hurting my son.
Another thing. In most of these stories I am reading, you have Legolas
portrayed as a beautiful elf. That’s fine, if you didn’t have him mistaken for
a FEMALE elf so often! He has a beauty, yes, but a MASCULINE beauty! He, in no
way, looks like a girl. Now, Boromir on the other hand…….anyway, getting off
topic. By the Order of the King of Mirkwood, I command you all to show my son a
little respect. Remember…..~masculine~ beauty!!
Ah yes, another bone to pick. I believe eyebrows....um….Elrond touched on this
subject also. Slash fics. My son *isn’t* gay. Believe me when I tell you this.
Just because Legolas doesn’t fall for every fangirl that swoons his way, does
NOT mean he doesn’t like females. He just likes the sane ones. So, from now on,
no more Legolas/hobbits, Legolas/Gimli *insert shudder here*, or Legolas/Man
slash fics!
I have also seen fanfics where Legolas has missed, while shooting his bow. He
NEVER misses. A few thousand years of practice makes him that good. *insert
proud fatherly smile here* He also, NEVER accidentally shoots someone. I assure
you, if he shot someone, it was on purpose. And they probably deserved it.
Now, I’ve also seen stories where I’M portrayed as a bad father! Preposterous!
The idea of that is just absurd! I have been nothing but loving towards my son.
True, I’m a bit more stern, but that’s only because I’m trying to shape him up
to be a great King. We wouldn’t want him prancing around, like a spoiled little
Son-Of-The-Steward, huh? *cough*Boromir*Cough* (But we know what happens to
HIM, eh?) Never once have I harmed my son, nor have I ever spanked him. Sent
him to his room to have a thousand year old sulk perhaps, but I haven’t hurt
him. So, again, I wonder why you want me striking my son like that. Perhaps it
gives you all more pleasure to see him hurt that way.
On a final note, I would like to say this. Stop this foolishness! The fanfics
I’ve read lack common sense, and are written for the pure joy of torturing the
character. The character being mainly my son! Elrond and I have spent countless
nights talking over this, and we’ve come to a decision. If you all don’t stop
torturing them, we will begin OUR torture. Our fun. You don’t want us to do
that. We’re worse than a dwarf locked up in my dungeon while being poked with
pointy sticks. Also, I don’t think you would want to endure Elrond’s eyebrows
for more than ten minutes at a time.
Sincerely,
King Thranduil of Mirkwood, a PO’d Elf Lord and Father
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Title: Letter To The PO'd Elf Lord
(Third in the "Letters" series, it's better if you read the first two
so you'll understand this one.)
Author: TrinityTheSheDevil
Archive: Just ask.
Rating: PG
Summary: A letter to the PO'd Elf Lords.
Disclaimer: I don't own them. *sighs*
Dear Characters of Lord of the Rings,
I am writing on behalf of all Lord of the Ring fans everywhere. Now, we have
gotten two letters from you stating that you don't like how we are treating
Legolas and Aragorn. We are only doing it in their best interests, because what
else can you all do if you're not healing each other or fighting off the
evil-ness of Middle Earth? Well, let me explain a bit so I can hopefully clear
up any confusion you have. I'll be addressing both letters, so listen up.
First and foremost, let me get the whole slash issue out of the way. Now, I
don't exactly LIKE slash, but there ARE some who do. Going on the probablys
here, I'm guessing that they like to see the love between characters. The major
ratings (NC 17 stuff) are there because....*pause as writer tries to think of a
reason*....because people want to see it. Also, we don't want to see the
characters paired up with another character of a different sex
*cough*Arwen*cough*, or an original female character, because of jealousy. Um,
I mean, because their feelings would get in the way of their
fighting...yeah..that's it.
Which brings me to another topic. Mary sues. Most self respecting author will
not write a fanfic along the lines of "Girl gets dropped in Middle Earth,
girl gets saved by/saves her favorite character, girl and character fall in
love, the end." Small original characters are fine to most, but Mary Sues
are something most fans of Lord of the Rings despise. If we could, we'd get rid
of them for you. But that would take too much time, energy, and it would take
away from OUR writing and reading. Our apologies for those.
Now, on to character torture and angst. Nothing gets us more excited than
seeing our favorite character tied up and beaten. It's just
so...~thunk~..*another pause as writer composes self*. Okay, where was I? Ah
yes, character torture. It brings out the protective nature in us, and it's
just so sexy to see someone trying so hard not to scream while getting whipped.
*writer pauses yet again, to take deep breath* We can't help it, it's embeded
in our minds. We will however, pay for any bandages and herbs that you might
need. Lord knows you use enough of them. Moving on to the angst. We LOVE to see
someone feeling extremely guilty for something they didn't really cause, but
they believe they did. Again, it shows the love between characters. (And this
could be in slash or non slash way.)
The appearance we give the characters are portrayed as we would like them to
be. Legolas can be anything from being well muscled and lean, to delicate and
graceful. The appearance also helps the story along. If Legolas is well
muscled, and looks completely boy-ish, he would have less of a chance of being
attacked. However, if he looks like a pansy, any drunk man who comes along will
try to beat the snot out of him. This links back to character torture and
angst. See above paragraph.
Also, the way we portray other characters also affects the main character. If
Thranduil is written as a bad and abusive father, Legolas will feel unsure of
himself. Aragorn or another character will then come along, and form a
friendship with Legolas. Then Aragorn will confront Thranduil, which would
cause major angst. See? Everything neatly ties in together!
HOWEVER, it HAS come to my attention that Aragorn and Legolas DO need a small
break. So, for one week, we will focus our attention on other characters.
Aragorn and Legolas will also be given five minute lunch breaks every other
day. This is the only slack we can cut, new fanfic writers are popping up
everywhere. I hope this letter has cleared up any confusion you have, and I
hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
The Fanfic Authors
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Title: Letter From Two Terrified Twins
(Fourth in the "Letters" Series, recommended to read them first!)
Author: TrinityTheSheDevil
Archive: Just ask.
Summary: The twins send a letter in responce to the authors.
Disclaimer: I, sadly, don't own any of them.
Dear Fanfiction Authors,
We are writing to you to complain of very unfair treatment. I, Elrohir, will be
writing in white ink. My brother, Elladan, will write in red, so you'll know
who is making what comments. Try to keep up, as we have several issues we
really need to address right now. *pause as letter is passed to Elladan* /Several IMPORTANT issues!/
Now, our father and King Thranduil recently received your message, explaining
why you write, hurt, and maim our brother and dear friend, Legolas. They, and
we, were immensly pleased when you stated you were giving them a break. Now,
when we read the part where you said you would "focus your attention on
other characters", we were naive as to believe you were going to do that
in OTHER fandoms. /How wrong we were. Instead,
you sought to beat, whip, and put US through the wringer! Of course, Legolas
and Aragorn aren't getting as much as a scratch. Just yesterday we were out on
a simple hunting trip when 30 Orc attacked us. Did Aragorn and Legolas get hurt?
No. (Other than Legolas breaking a nail, but that's beside the point.) Did my
brother and I get hurt? Yes. A LOT. I was on the verge of death, and my brother
was stabbed in the back. I mean, seriously, this is getting ridiculous. My
brother and I are THOUSANDS of years older than them. I think we'd be able to
fight a little better. And did you even give them a guilt complex??!! No. The
only thing you did was have them drag us back home to Ada./
This week has been pure hell for us. Especially with the slash. [insert shudder
here] You had us with Glorfindel, some hobbit named Bilbo, countless Mary Sues,
Thranduil [another shudder], even each other! /And
let's not forget the dwarves, that Ent, and some sicko who had us with
Celeborn. Our GRANDFATHER. I mean, come on, enough is enough! I think we
certainly got enough in the past week. And we're not even gay! We certainly
prefer the FEMALES./
We've also been through so much angst that my hair will be grey before I'm even
in my prime. How many times exactly can Elladan be "almost" killed,
and I blame myself?! Seriously, you guys have never seen REAL brotherly love
then. Real love includes me beating the crap out of him when he borrows my
hunting boots, because he lost his in the river. /Well,
if not for YOUR horse, I wouldn't have lost them!/ Oh please brother, it
was YOUR fault because of that loose arrow. [sounds of scuffle, traded punches,
yelps of pain] *pause as brothers straighten their hair and clothing while
glaring at each other*
Now, last thing, is our appearance. True, it doesn't seem as bad as some of the
other things we've been through these past days, but it's getting rather
annoying to wake up in something called a...."thong"? /And very unconfortable, let me tell you. Men were definitely
not meant to wear those blasted things! Do you know how much of a wedgie they
cause?!/ And "thongs" weren't the only thing! I've been
dressed up in one of Arwen's dresses. The PURPLE one. Purple doesn't even suit
me! /Actually it brings out the color of your eyes quite
nicely. You should ask the seamstress to fit you for a nice purple robe./
You think so? I thought it made me look fat. Ah *writer shakes self*, getting
off topic. Bottom line is, we're male. We have manly (or male-elfly)
appearances. We have six packs. (Whatever those are. Women seem to
"swoon" over them.) /We do NOT have girlish
faces, and we do NOT wear girly clothing. Unless you count that tunic Elrohir
has, but that's beside the point./ That tunic is NOT girlish. [sounds of
another scuffle]
Getting back to the point, we would like to say this. STOP TORTURING US!
Please, focus your attention back onto our brother and Legolas. They can take
it. They're tough. /And young. Younger people always
bounce back! Plus they're used to it./ Our father, Elladan, and I will
be here to patch them up and give them lots of therapy. We, on the other hand,
would rather not be tortured and mutilated. Pain isn't our thing, ya know? /Yes, we like staying in the background of things, and
rescuing them just in the nick of time when they're on the edge of sudden
death. Things like that./ We don't mind if you beat the snot out of
them. Just leave us alone. Thanks for your time, and we really hope to see some
changes.
Sincerely,
Elrohir and Elladan
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Title: Letter From A Dark Lord
Author: TrinityTheSheDevil
Archive: Just ask.
Summary: Sauron sends a little letter of his own.
Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN THEM DANGIT! *sigh*
Dear Fanfiction Authors,
I have received an anonymous letter not too long ago, telling me I should start
reading fanfiction. I did, and needless to say, I have become addicted. There
aren't many things to do when you're a giant eyeball. Also, Palantirs are
wonderful devices for surfing the net, especially after getting DSL installed.
But anyway, getting off the subject here. I'm writing to inform you I have
several things that bug me, and I am hoping you will change these problems. I
DO have a giant army of Uruk-Hai, so it would be wise not to cross me.
Now, most of the fanfictions I read include those "heroes" Legolas,
Aragorn, and those annoying little hobbits. I do not see why people are
attracted to pointed ears, broad shoulders, and furry feet. What is wrong with
me? I am a sexy eyeball! Put a little mascara on, and boom. You have one
attractive pupil. [deep throaty chuckle] Besides, if you look at the title,
you'd see that I am the main character. LORD of the Rings, you know? Aragorn
isn't the Lord, Elf-Boy isn't the Lord, that pansy Boromir sure wasn't the
Lord! ME. ME, ME, ME! Yet am I a main character in fanfiction? No. If it wasn't
for ME, Lord of the Rings wouldn't even exist! I created that tacky piece of
jewelry, along with all the other Rings. But do I get any respect? NO. Valar,
even Flaring Nostrils has more parts than me! Sauraman serves ME. Yet I
continuously get no respect. I am forever having those dratted Men and Elves
ruining my plans (even though I'm not mentioned anywhere as the person actually
creating those plans).
I also see all these romance fanfictions, which are mostly slash. Now, while
I'm laughing at Aragorn and Legolas being embarrassed by it all, I would like
to get in on the action. (NOT slash, I'm talking about romance.) Maybe find a
nice She-Demon and settle down, have a few baby eyeballs. Although I'm a
fighter, I'm a lover too. Before my transformation into the giant eye, I
enjoyed candle lit dinners of man flesh and aged wine. Why the shocked faces?
Did you all think the only thing I did was sit in my castle and plot evil
plans? Well, it's true, that did take up a lot of my time. But I did have some
fun now and then. See, everybody is so busy writing about my evil side, that
nobody sees my true sensitive side. I am completely misunderstood. Thinking of
this, I hope this letter clears everything up.
Which brings me to another subject. Why can't you all write about the GOOD
things about me? Such as, I enjoy the color purple. (Especially on Elf Boys
face!) I like watching the ballet. (Did you know the Palantir can also pick up
the sports channel? Neat huh?) I also like watching the Cheerleader
competitions, and laughing when the prissy cheerleader falls flat on her face.
I do have another life besides that of being a Dark Lord. People just don't see
that.
Now, onto the evil subject. Mary Sues. These are truly the work of the devil. I
have seen fanfictions where the mary sue is evil, works for me, yadda yadda
yadda, her favorite character converts her into a good person and they fall in
love. Please, nothing makes me more sick than that. Do you actually think I
would employ something that's more evil than me?! Isildur might have destroyed
me in the second age, but I haven't lost all my sense! I would rather employ
simple minded creatures, like Orc, Goblins, Wargs, Balrogs, Uruk-Hai, and
people-with-flaring-nostrils-and-perfect-manicures. I don't even want to think
of the havoc a mary sue can cause.
Lastly, I can't be all negative in this letter. Let me praise the authors who
indulge in character torture. Nothing makes me chuckle more than seeing that
Prissy Elf hanging by his fingers and being beat to death. Or that annoying and
dirty Ranger screaming his lungs out from some unknown poison racing through
his bloodstream. True evilness, and I thank you all from the bottom of my
eyelid. Keep up the good work with those.
So, in conclusion, I would like you all to take this letter to heart. More me,
and less of the "good" characters. Remember, the Eyeball is sexy, the
Eyeball is god. The Eyeball will not be overthrown by those inferior humans,
elves, dwarves, and hobbits. Furry feet are NOT turn-ons. Long glossy
eyelashes, however, are. So, who will you write about from now on? Me. And just
to get you all started, I have created a new breed of creatures. They are a
cross between Uruk-Hai, and Plot Bunnies. I call them......the Uruk-Hoppities.
They shall help you all in the quest to write more Sauron fanfiction. Thank you
for your time.
Sincerely,
The Resident Eyeball and Evil Dark Lord,
Sauron
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