Title: I Shall Believe
Author: Elentirmo aka Misty
Rating: G
E-mail: mistycracraft@yahoo.com Reviews and comments welcome, but please no flames.
Thank you to my beta Eleniel.
Summary: Aragorn comes home after his years spent as a soldier in Rohan and Gondor
Disclaimers: I own nothing of Tolkien's characters or locations. I only borrow them occasionally. The song is owned by Sheryl Crow, Warner-Tameriane Publishing Corp. and Old Crow Music(BMI). In other words, I own nothing but the storyline. And even that is dubious.
Authors note: I seem to have a lot of my stories inspired by music. I'll be listening to the radio, and scenes will just appear in my mind when a song plays. So this story was inspired by 'I shall believe' by Sheryl Crow.
---------------------------------------------------
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be all right
And I shall believe
---------------------------------------------------
A lone figure shuffled wearily through the darkened halls of his childhood home. All he could think of was the comfort of his bed. He had not been home for years, but he could not face meeting any of his family or friends; not tonight. Perhaps in the morning he would have the strength. In the morning he could put on a pleasant face, pretend all was well. After some rest, he would be better able to hide his failures. But he could not bear to face anyone tonight. He was too tired; his emotions were too close to the surface. If he encountered anyone right now, he would never be able to hide his pain. His destination was near, just down the corridor. Though he had been gone for years, he knew his room would be waiting for him, just as he had left it. Those few years would be as the blink of an eye to the elves who lived here, though the time weighed heavily upon the human's shoulders. Just a few more steps and he could relax. The oblivion of sleep called out to him, luring him to seek the peace that eluded his waking hours. If he were being honest with himself, he could admit that he was unable to find peace, even in slumber, but each night he fell asleep hoping that this night would be different. Placing his hand on the doorknob, he froze as a voice called questioningly to him.
"Estel?"
Aragorn couldn't help his involuntary reaction as his shoulders slumped in defeat. He had been so close! Straightening up, he turned slowly to face the person who had called to him. It took much more effort than it should have to school his expression to hide his turmoil.
"Greetings Ada," he said softly as he faced his father.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Elrond's breath caught in his throat as he saw the figure slinking silently through the darkened hallways. Without even seeing the person's face, he knew that it was his son. His youngest son had finally come home. As an elf, he should hardly have noticed the passing years. But he had been acutely aware of every day that his son was gone. Aragorn had left for long periods of time before, and Elrond had worried for his son's safety, but not like this. When Aragorn had left this time, there had been a tension between them. That tension could be traced to one source, to someone they both loved: Arwen. Elrond shook his head as he thought back to the conversation they had had about Aragorn's love for Arwen. Elrond knew he had been harsh; perhaps overly so. He should not have told Aragorn that Arwen was too far above him. He had not wanted to hurt his adopted son, but the very thought that Arwen might return Aragorn's love and forsake her immortality struck fear into his heart. In an attempt to keep his daughter, he had hurt the human he loved as a son. He had regretted those words, but could not take them back. Shortly after that conversation, Aragorn had left again. Elrond knew that Aragorn had gone out to prove himself, to begin his path to the throne. After all, Elrond had told him that he would never allow Arwen to marry him unless he was the king of Gondor and Arnor. So with the rashness of youth, Aragorn had set off to prove himself worthy of Arwen. At that point, Elrond had been unsure if he would ever see him again. There was so much danger in the world, and his son was exceptionally good at finding it. Every other time he had sent his son off, he had done so knowing that Aragorn would always come back home, to his family. This time, he had no such assurance, and had worried that his son would not feel comfortable enough to come home again. That fear had grown with each month that passed with no word from Aragorn.
All these thoughts flashed through his mind in a split second. He started to call out to Aragorn, to let him know how happy he was to see him once more. As he started forward, he looked more closely at his son and frowned in concern. Aragorn was not walking with the strong confident gait that was his custom, but with a defeated, dejected shuffle. Elrond's first thought was that Aragorn had once again returned with hidden injuries. Another look dispelled that thought. Aragorn was hurting; that much was obvious from his posture, but Elrond could sense just as clearly that his pain was not physical. He watched in silence as Aragorn walked slowly down the hallway toward his room. Aragorn was reaching for his door before Elrond finally found his voice.
"Estel?"
Elrond watched in dismay as Aragorn's shoulders fell. Aragorn obviously did not want to see him. The momentary lapse passed and Aragorn straightened his shoulders, turning slowly around.
"Greetings Ada."
-----------------------------------------------------------
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
------------------------------------------------------------
Elrond looked past the impassive expression on Aragorn's face as he greeted the elf. There was so much pain there in Aragorn's eyes; so much he could not hide. Whatever had happened to his son in the years they had been apart, it had worn his spirit down. The father and the healer in him were in agreement. He must do whatever he could to help ease his son's pain. Ignoring Aragorn's body language, Elrond stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his son, just as he had done when Estel came to him with some childhood hurt. He knew, however, that this pain would not be so easily brushed aside. For an endless moment, Aragorn stood stiff in his arms.
"Welcome home, ion-nin," Elrond whispered in his ear. "I am so glad to have you home again."
Slowly, ever so slowly, Aragorn's arms came up to return his father's embrace. Elrond could feel the tremors racing through Aragorn's body and knew the young man was at the end of his endurance. He moved his arm to drape Aragorn's shoulders and gently led him to a soft chair in his room. Elrond pulled a chair up to face Aragorn's. Reaching out and taking Aragorn's hands in his, he softly asked, "How are you?"
"I'm fine, just tired," Aragorn answered. "It has been a long journey and I pushed hard to arrive tonight."
Elrond studied his face closely. "You are exhausted, that is plain to see, but it is more than physical fatigue that bothers you. I can feel the discontent in your spirit, Estel. What troubles you so?"
Anger flashed in Aragorn's eyes for a moment before he slumped back in his chair, pulling away from his father. "You have always seen too much. I am glad to be back, Ada, but I am in no mood to talk tonight. I need sleep before I can be adequate company."
"I am not looking for you to be 'adequate company', Estel. You are my son, and you are in pain. I merely wish to help in any way I can."
"You cannot help me this time," Aragorn whispered in a strained voice. "I wish you could. And please do not call me by that name. I can no longer claim it as my own."
Elrond couldn't deny the pain that lanced through him with Aragorn's rejection of the name he had given him as a child. "Very well, Aragorn."
Aragorn slashed his hand angrily through the air. "Nay, I cannot claim that name, either. That is the name of a king. I am no king, Ada! I never will be." The angry tone faded from his voice with the last statement, and Aragorn leaned forward to rest his head in his hands.
"What happened, my son? Where have you been all these years?"
Aragorn sighed heavily and sat up again, raking his hands tiredly through his hair. "You wish to know where I have been? Very well. I set out to explore the lands of my ancestors, to meet those I had hoped would one day accept me as king. I took the name Thorongil and served both Thengel of Rohan and Ecthelion of Gondor. I rode with the Rohirrim and worked my way to the rank of captain in the Gondorian army." As he spoke, he abruptly stood and began pacing agitatedly about the room.
Elrond felt like he was missing some important detail. So far, it sounded like Aragorn had done what he set out to do. "What happened?" he asked carefully.
"Nothing, Ada," Aragorn said softly as he returned to his chair. "Nothing out of the ordinary in these dark times." He sighed again as he slumped back in the chair. "I am just so weary of it all; the fighting, the war, the bloodshed."
Elrond closed his eyes as he heard the heartache in Aragorn's words. He now understood the reason for Aragorn's pain.
"We lost so many men, Ada; men who simply wanted to defend their families and homes, brave men who fought to the last. These men were under my command, they were my responsibility, and I sent them to their deaths. I have had enough of it. I cannot send any more to their deaths." His voice dropped to a whisper. "They haunt my sleep, Ada. When I close my eyes to rest, I see their faces before me. I do not remember the last time I felt at peace." He took a deep breath, and continued in a conversational tone. "Before we set out on our last campaign, I informed Lord Ecthelion that I would not be returning. We won a great battle, but I could not bring myself to celebrate the victory with the rest of the men. I made sure my lieutenants had things well in hand, then I took my leave of them. All I could think of was returning home. I have never felt peace elsewhere like I feel here. My great venture into the world of men did not go as I had hoped." He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I do not understand why things are as they are. The enemy we fought was not made up of orcs, or other foul creatures of Mordor. We fought and killed other men over land. They wished to take our land from us, and we fought to defend it. Why? Arda is large enough for all those who live upon it. I do not know why men must battle each other over land and resources. Why can we not band together against Mordor and seek peace?" He looked at Elrond with his misery clear in his face. "The constant battles have taken their toll upon me. I had to leave before I lost myself." He leaned forward once more and rested his head in his hands. "I do not belong in that world. I am sorry, Ada. I failed. I will never become king of Gondor."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
Would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is all right
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Oh Estel," Elrond said softly as Aragorn finished speaking. "You did not fail." Elrond reached out and placed a hand on the back of Aragorn's head. His hand slid down to Aragorn's shoulder as he raised his head to look up at his father. Elrond's voice was compassionate as he spoke. "You are tired and battle weary, but you have not failed. You are not the first soldier to feel this way, and you will not be the last. I, too, have felt the pain that comes from seeing too much death, from commanding those who die in battle. Give it time, Estel. Stay here as long as you need. Find the peace that you seek. Regain your strength."
Elrond saw the uncertainty in Aragorn's eyes. Even now, he was wondering how Elrond felt about him. Elrond thought about what he had just said. While he meant the words to be comforting, he could see how Aragorn might think he was pushing him toward a destiny that he was not sure he wanted. With a sudden insight, Elrond knew what Aragorn needed to hear. He had not simply come here to seek the peace of Imladris. He had come home to his family, to his father. Elrond gently brushed Aragorn's hair back from his face. "You are my son, Estel. If you never become king, you will still be my son. I have loved you from the moment you came to me as a small child. This is your home, and I am so glad to see you return safely. I have missed you greatly these many years."
A smile crept onto Aragorn's face as he basked in the knowledge that his father still loved him. "Many years? I thought you would hardly realize time was passing. What is a few years to one who has seen over six thousand?"
Elrond returned his smile. "Time seems to pass differently since you came into my life. I have been all too aware of each day that passed in your absence."
"I'm sorry, Ada," Aragorn apologized. "I should have sent word more often."
"Do not apologize," Elrond said. "You are home now, that is all that matters."
Aragorn yawned widely and Elrond smiled at him. "And now, I believe, it is time for you to sleep." He stood up and pulled Aragorn easily to his feet.
"Yes, Ada," Aragorn said. He discarded his outer garments and crawled between the covers of his bed, too tired to do more.
Elrond pulled the blankets up over his son, tucking him in as he had not done in many, many years.
Aragorn smiled sleepily up at his father. "I love you, Ada."
"I love you too, ion-nin. Sleep now; we will talk more in the morning."
Nodding, Aragorn looked seriously up at Elrond. "Will you stay with me for awhile to keep the ghosts away?"
"Of course," Elrond said. He pulled a chair close to Aragorn's bed and made himself comfortable. He watched in contentment as Aragorn's eyes closed.
After several minutes, Aragorn's quiet voice broke the silence. "I do not feel I can claim the throne, Ada. I know full well all that I give up, but I choose exile. I wanted you to know my decision. Are you disappointed in me now?"
"No, Estel. I respect your choice and I understand your reasons for deciding thus. I will support you in whatever you do. Now sleep, my son."
"Yes Ada," Aragorn said as a small smile crossed his face.
Elrond sat in silence and listened as Aragorn's breathing evened out. When he was sure that the man was sound asleep, he leaned forward and placed a kiss on his brow. "We will see what time brings, ion-nin. You are much stronger than you realize." Elrond sat back in his chair and a sense of peace settled over him as he watched his youngest son sleep.
The End
A/N: This story was also my attempt to explain why Aragorn would have chosen exile as Elrond stated in FOTR when he knew Elrond would not allow Arwen to marry him unless he were king.