The Dangers of Dwarf Maidens

 

By:  Coreinha Darkwood

 

Disclaimer:  I don't own any of this.  I never did.  *sigh*  This is just for fun, I'm not making any money from it. 

 

Summary:  Legolas recalls a time that Elladan and Elrohir annoyed some dwarf maidens.  VERY funny.

 

A/N:  Becky helped my co-write the first part of this, then Trin beta'd the other two parts.  So thanks to both of you lovely ladies *g*

 

Archive:  Sure, just ask

 

Contact me:  Aribelle_XF@yahoo.com

 

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

 

"Aragorn, don't paddle so hard!  We're too close to the rocks over there!"

 

"What?"

 

Legolas' words were lost in the roar of the river, and Aragorn heedlessly paddled them straight into a cluster of boulders half hidden beneath the surface of the river.  The small canoe broke up into little bits, sending it's hapless passengers flying into the icy water.

 

Legolas' head broke the surface first and he frantically searched the rapids for his human companion.

 

"Strider!  Where are you!" Legolas called frantically.

 

He groaned, and swam for the shore, where he'd have a better view.  Just as he gained the banks of the river, strong arms hauled him out and patted him on the back.  Legolas turned around, "Elrohir, do you see Strider anywhere?"

 

"Don't worry, Elladan saw him," Elrohir pointed in the general direction of the older twin, who had Aragorn by the arm, and was towing him in.

 

Legolas and Elrohir made their way quickly to where Elladan was hauling the sodden Ranger out of the water.

 

"Estel, are you alright?  Estel?"  Elladan's quickly checked his youngest brother over for injuries. 

 

Aragorn shoved his older brother's hands away, and rolled onto his hands and knees, hacking and coughing up mouthfuls of water.

 

He was just catching his breath when Elrohir and Legolas arrived.

 

"Are you alright?"  They asked the question almost in unison,earning a scathing glare from the breathless human.

 

"Yes.  Legolas *gasp* why didn't you warn me about those rocks?  *hack hack*"

 

"I DID!  If you would listen once in a while Strider...."

 

"If you would speak up!  I was behind you, *hack* and the river was loud!  I don't have elven hearing!" 

 

Elladan ended the arguement with a wave of his hand.  "You're both fine, luckily, Elrohir and I were here to save you both."

 

Legolas rolled his eyes, and muttered something under his breath.  Then he rose gracefully, "I'm going to get some wood to start a fire.  That water was cold, and theres a chill in the air, I don't want to bring you back to Rivendell sick, Aragorn."

 

~*~

 

20 minutes later:

 

The twins had bundled their younger brother up in warm woolen blankets from their packs, while Legolas got a fire going quickly.  Aragorn looked annoyed at all the fussing, but he knew by now it was useless to fight them on the matter of his health, and he was enjoying the warmth from the fire though he would never have admitted it to his brothers and Legolas.

 

"Feeling better now?"  Elladan rested his hand on Aragorns forehead, checking for a fever.

 

Aragorn pulled back, "I'm fine Elladan.  You worry far to much."

 

"You're just lucky we were there, Estel.  How many times do Elrohir and I have to save you two?"  He included Legolas in his amused gaze.

 

Legolas snorted, "I can think of a few times when I saved your hides, Elladan."

 

The older twin rolled his eyes.  "Name one."

 

"Very well."  Legolas gave Aragorn a mischeivious look.  "Remember that time when you visited Eryn Lasgalen, oh, about 600 years ago?"

 

Elrohir's eyes widened.  "No, we don't need to tell this story, Legolas.  You're right, you've saved us many more times than we've saved you." 

 

Elladan nodded emphatically in agreement.

 

Aragorn's eyes widened, if his brothers would admit defeat that easily, it must be a good story indeed.  "I haven't heard this story, Legolas, pray share it with us."

 

Legolas hunkered down beside the ranger, and settled comfortably against the tree Aragorn was leaning on.

 

"Well, it all started when Elrond came to visit my father, bringing his wife and children with him."

 

"He brought Celebrian?"  Aragorn looked interested, he'd only heard her described by Glorfindel, as Elrond and the twins rarely spoke of her.  He knew she'd been horribly tortured by orcs, and was awaiting her family in Valinor, but little else. "What was she like?"

 

Legolas smiled, "She was beautiful, and wondrously kind.  I liked her very much."  He held Elladan's gaze for a moment, before continuing. 

 

"As I was saying, the twins decided to try some of Father's wine, without asking permission, of course....."

 

>~~~<*>~~~<

 

"Elrohir, this wine *hic* is really good"  Elladan looked vaguely at the forest around him. 

 

"I know,"  Elrohir rose on wobbly legs, "Come, lesh go shee if we can find shome shpiders to kill.  Didn't Prince Legolash shay there were giant shpiders here?"

 

"*hic* I think so.  I bet we can kill a whole bunch!"

 

The twins wandered through the forest on unsteady legs, passing what was left of the Elven Kings good wine back and forth between them.

 

"I don't think there are any shpiders here Elladan.  Lesh go back."  Elrohir giggled at nothing in particular, and turned slowly around, careful of his shaky limbs.

 

Elladan wasn't quite ready when Elrohir turned, and was knocked off balance.  He landed on his rear end in a mud puddle with a loud sploosh!  Elrohir roared with laughter at his twin's misfortune.

 

Elladan, indignant at his brothers amusement, moved far more quickly than a drunken elf should have been able to, and swept his twins feet out from under him. 

 

Elrohir landed with a thump in the sludge, and gave his brother an indignant glare, before sending a handful of mud sailing through the air straight at Elladan's head.  Normally, he would have easily avoided the projectile, but in his inebriated state, Elladan's reflexes were not what they should have been, and the mud smacked him right between the eyes.

 

Furious, Elladan threw a clump of mud and grass right back at his twin, which caught him neatly in the chest.   This resulted in about an hour of throwing mud, and giggling hysterically at each other, before the wine finally overpowered them, and they dozed off together in the mud.

 

~*~

 

"Do you think they're dead, Mali?"  The dwarf nudged the sleeping elf with her toe. 

 

"I don't know, Lorin.  Perhaps if we got them wet?"

 

Ailba rolled her eyes, "Mali, they're in a mud puddle, I doubt they'd notice if we got them wet."

 

Mali giggled, "You're right, let's drag them out of the mud, and see if they wake up."  The other five agreed, and pulled some roped out of their packs.

 

Soon, they had tied ropes to the twins ankles and were dragging them out of their mud.  Startled out of their drunken sleep, the twins jerked awake, and leapt to their feet, or tried to anyways.  With their ankles bound together, they couldn't balance well, and they landed on their butts, splashing mud all over the six dwarf maidens in front of them.

 

Ailba, Lorin, Nalin, Corda and Beclin all turned to Mali, giving her glares of varying ferocity.

 

"Good idea, Mali." 

 

Mali rolled her eyes, and turned to the startled elves, who were alternately trying to pull the ropes off their feet, and clutching their heads, as though they were about to explode.

 

Judging from from the smell on their breath, they were probably pretty hung over.  Elves really had no head for spirits at all.  Mali bit back a giggle, and moved to help them.

 

Elladan stared in shock at the bearded figure before him.  A dwarf.  He sighed in relief.  Many dwarves came through Rivendell, he knew that if you treated them with the proper courtesy, they weren't that bad.

 

He clutched his aching head, and let the dwarf pull the rope off his feet. In his slightly muddled state, he failed to notice that this was a female.  "Thank you, Master Dwarf."

 

Mali's eyes widened, "What did you just call me?"

 

Elrohir turned to his twin, "Elladan, this is a maiden, anyone can see that."

 

"Uhm...... many apologies, my Lady.  I was slightly muddled, I did not mean to offend."

 

Mali gave the elf a dirty look.  She was the daughter of a great Dwarf Lord, and as such, was generally treated with much respect.  Not to mention, she was known for her beauty in the Dwarven Realms, and had many suitors asking her hand. 

 

To be refered to as male was deeply offensive to her, and in her fury, she didn't even hear his apology.

 

"My ladies?  Take them."

 

Normally, the twins would have easily avoided the maidens' charge.  But their heads were throbbing, and they could barely see through the hangover.  Before they knew it, they were neatly pinned on the ground. 

 

They struggled weakly as they were bound spread eagle to stakes driven into the ground.

 

The maidens giggled at their handsome captives.  "Let's see if they're as hairless as their faces," Corda giggled.  She drew her knife, and cut away first Elladan's shirt, then Elrohir's.  "Why, they're as pale as the moon!"

 

The twins squirmed, and cursed as the maidens pointed and giggled, making fun of their hairless chests, and long limbs.

 

Eventually, Mali grew tired of their sport, and wanted to head home.  As they left, Ailba and Lorin delivered sharp kicks to the twins heads, knocking them unconscious.

 

And so they lay there, helpless and alone, in the forest for 3 days.

 

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

 

Aragorn roared with laughter.  "You were beaten up by six dwarf maidens?"  He leaned back against the tree, holding his sides as he gasped for air.

 

Legolas grinned at the twins, who were contemplating the many different ways they could slowly torture the Prince to death.  "It gets better, mellon nin...."

 

>~~~<*>~~~<

 

"Ugh..."  Elrohir awoke to a splitting headache.  He squinted against the bright sun that filtered down through the trees, and tried to roll over, only to discover that he was quite immobilized. 

 

Turning his aching head to the left, he saw his twin sprawled out in a similar position.

 

The last he remembered, the sun had been setting in the sky, now it was close to noon.   They must have been unconscious all night. 

 

"Elladan.."  Elrohir winced at the echoing of his own voice in his head.  "Elladan, wake up."

 

Elladan groaned, and looked over at his twin.  "We're still tied up.  I was hoping it was a horrible dream brought on by too much wine."

 

"Uhmm, no.  I wish it were.  Remind me to never again drink Thranduil's wine."

 

"If we get out of this." 

 

Elrohir sighed, "So what do we do now?  Yell for help?"

 

"Do you think anyone will actually hear us?"  Elladan looked skeptical.

 

"Probably not."  Elrohir sighed again.  "This is all your fault, you know."

 

"MY fault!  Who's idea was it to try the wine?"

 

"Who mistook a dwarf maiden for a male?"

 

Elladan grunted, "It's not like it's a hard mistake to make, Elrohir."

 

"Please, her beard was quite thin, and looked very soft and silky.  I could tell, and I had more to drink than you did."

 

"No you didn't, and there was mud in my eyes!"

 

They continued to argue for a good half hour, before growing tired of each others voice, and began to sulk in silence.  It was about this time, that Elladan noticed his bare chest was getting quite itchy.

 

He looked around, to see that there were vines snaking up several of the trees in the area, and crisscrossing the ground around him.

 

'Great, I'm lying in poison ivy.'  He resisted the urge to bang his head on the ground.

 

"Elrohir?"

 

"What."  The younger twin was still pouting, he didn't appreciate being accused of falling in love with a dwarf maiden.  'Just because I happened to notice she wasn't as ugly as most dwarves are... sheesh!'

 

"I'm lying in poison ivy, Elrohir."

 

"Good."  Elrohir resisted smirking, 'Serves him right.'

 

"No, it's not good, dear brother.   See if you can get loose."

 

"If I could get loose, don't you think I would have done so by now?"

 

Elladan desperately wished at that moment he could pummel his younger twin into oblivion, but since it was impossible, he took a deep breath, and spoke calmly. 

 

"I cannot get loose either,"  he ignored his twins sadistic chuckle, and stared up at the trees, since there was nothing else to really look at.

 

A soft snuffling sound to his right caught the older twins attention.

 

"Uhmmmm, Elladan?"  There was a note of panic in the younger twins voice, that caused Elladan's heart to jump. 

 

"What is it?"

 

"Bear."

 

"What?!"

 

"Theres a bear."

 

Elladan twisted around and caught a glimpse of the creature his twin spoke of. 

 

"Oh, for Valar's sake, Elrohir, it is just a cub!"

 

The cub was ambling along, snuffling the ground.  It shuffled closer to the younger twin, and sniffed along his bare chest.

 

Elrohir made a small sound that sounded sort of like "eep!"

 

Elladan bit back a chuckle, and focused on remaining calm.  "Elrohir, you cannot panic.  If you do, the cub will get frightened, and call for it's mother.  Then we'll be in trouble."

 

Elrohir remained silent as the bare cub sniffed his face, then gave his cheek a great big slurp.  It was all Elladan could do to keep from laughing.

 

Eventually, the creature grew bored, and wandered off to find it's mother, most likely.

 

The rest of the day passed uneventfully.  The sun set in the west, streaking the sky with red and gold, while Elladan shifted back and forth on his itchy bed. 

 

Eventually, exhaustion got the better of both twins, and they dozed off.

 

>~~~<*>~~~<

 

"In my defense, it was a very large bear cub."  Elrohir looked indignant.

 

Aragorn was fairly rolling on the ground by now, and Legolas was wearing a rather annoying cheshire cat grin. 

 

Elladan rolled his eyes, and glared at the Prince.  "We'll find a way to get revenge for this Legolas, don't you worry."

 

Legolas just grinned wider, if it was possible, and continued with his story.

 

>~~~<*>~~~<

 

Elladan awoke even more miserable than he had been when he fell asleep.  Sometime in the night, it had started to rain.  So now, not only was he itchy and unable to do a thing about it, he was wet and itchy and unable to do a thing about it.

 

Elrohir awoke with a start, and found himself staring into a pair of beady black eyes.  He bit back a girlish scream....

 

>~~~<*>~~~<

 

"It was NOT a girlish scream, Legolas!" 

 

Elladan grinned, "Yes it was."

 

>~~~<*>~~~<

 

He bit back a girlish scream, and jerked against the ropes. 

 

The snake slithered off harmlessly into the brush. 

 

Elladan turned his head toward his brother, and grinned, despite his discomfort, and the itchy red rash that now covered him from his neck to his waist.

 

They spoke little that day, only to whine about hunger or thirst occasionally. 

 

Eventually, the sky cleared, revealing the sun setting again. 

 

As they prepared for another uncomfortable night, an eerie chittering noise filled the little glade.

 

Elladan gasped as an eight-legged shadow fell across his prone body, and desperately tried to wriggle free. 

 

Just as the spider was about to sink it's slimey fangs into the helpless elf, there was a swishTHUNK, and the spider keeled over on its side.

 

Elladan looked up to see another figure standing over them, the last rays of light shining through his golden hair.

 

"So this is where you two have been these past three days."

 

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

 

Elladan blinked against the brilliant corona of light that surrounded the golden-haired figure grinning down at them.

 

"Legolas."

 

"Indeed mellon nin.  What have you two gotten yourselves into?"

 

Elladan squirmed uncomfortably on the itchy bed of poison ivy, "Can you please ask questions later?  This is really itchy."

 

Legolas bit back a bark of laughter, and pulled out  his daggers. 

 

The razor sharp elven blades quickly sliced through the heavy rope binding the twins to the ground.

 

Elladan rolled to his feet, and immediately began scratching like an elf possessed.

 

"Stop scratching Elladan, you'll make it worse!"  Elrohir looked at his twin disapprovingly, as he rubbed his sore wrists.

 

"I don't care, you can't imagine how badly I itch right now!"

 

Legolas smiled sympathetically, but took a step away from the twins.  "Le ul sui i'firen!"  [You smell like a human]

 

Elladan paused long enough in his scratching to roll his eyes at the prince.  "Mib orch."  [kiss {an}orc]

 

The prince tried not to be too offended by his companions grumpiness; after all, if he had spent three days tied to the ground, he wouldn't be terribly cheery either.

 

"So, how did you two wind up like this?"

 

The twins exchanged a look, then gave him identical shrugs.

 

"Elladan, if we put some mud on this rash, it will ease the itching until Ada can fix you up."  Elrohir looked strangely excited at the prospect of coating his twin in mud.

 

Elladan, on the other hand, looked less than thrilled.  Then again, being covered in a red itchy rash was no fun either, and the cool mud would be soothing.  "Fine.  Do it."

 

Elrohir grinned impishly at Legolas, and the pair proceeded to smear mud all over Elladan's bare chest and back.  When they got to his face, he twisted his head away, and tried to resist, but Elrohir would not be detered.

 

Soon, Elladan was covered in mud from the waist up, and found himself rather grateful that the dwarf maidens didn't take his trousers as well.

 

Elrohir snorted with laughter at his twin, and was forced to sit down on a nearby stump.  Unfortunately, he didn't look where he was sitting, and sat down directly on a porcupine.

 

"EEEYOW!!!!" 

 

He leapt up, grabbing at his wounded rear, and hopping around like a crazed rabbit, as the abused porcupine waddled off into the brush.

 

Elladan and Legolas watched his strange dance with wide eyes and bemused expressions.  "Are you alright, brother?"

 

Elrohir glared at his twin, "Do I LOOK alright?"

 

Legolas snorted, "What happened?"

 

"I don't know, I sat on something sharp!! It HURTS!"  He turned around several times, trying to look at his wounded butt.

 

Despite his own discomfort, Elladan roared with laughter.  "Brother, you look like a dog chasing it's tail!"

 

"Im innas acharn nin dan le an sen!"  <I will {get} my vengeance against you for this!>  Elrohir stopped spinning long enough to shoot another evil glare at his twin.

 

"What did I do?  Come here, let me see."

 

Elrohir muttered something under his breath, but turned around, and lowered his trousers carefully, allowing his twin to get a good look at the wound.  Or wounds.

 

"Valar, Elrohir!  You sat on a porcupine!"

 

Legolas leaned against a tree, and laughed helplessly as Elladan began yanking porcupine quills out of his brother's rear.

 

Elrohir, for his part, endured the humiliation silently.  He only occasionally grunted in pain when Elladan had to yank a little too hard to pull out the quills.

 

It took a good half hour, but eventually Elladan got them all, and Elrohir pulled his trousers back up.

 

"Finally.  Come, let us get you two back to the palace."

 

~*~

 

Aragorn lay on his side, laughing helplessly.  "You sat on a PORCUPINE?!"

 

Elrohir sat silently across from Legolas, giving the golden-haired  prince dark looks.

 

Elladan  covered his mouth, trying not to laugh out loud.  "You DID look pretty funny, 'Ro.  Like a dog chasing it's *snort* tail."

 

Elrohir included his twin in the glare, and set his jaw firmly.  A look all knew from experience meant certain trouble.

 

Aragorn giggled, "What happened next, Legolas?"

 

Legolas grinned, "well..."

 

~*~

 

Elladan and Elrohir balked as they reached the gates of Eryn Lasgalen.  "Uhm, are there a lot of people around, mellon nin?"

 

Legolas rolled his eyes, "So NOW I'm your friend?  And yes, there are a lot of people around, we've been organizing search parties for you two all night."

 

The Twins exchanged guilty looks, and sighed.  "Nana has probably been worried about us, too."  Elladan lowered his mud-covered head.

 

"Indeed she has.  I'm told your mother has not slept since she found out you were missing 2 days ago."

 

The twins heads hung even lower, if possible, then they stepped forward through the gates.  Legolas followed behind, snickering silently, as every elf in Mirkwood turned and stared at the Sons of Elrond.

 

One was covered in mud from the waist up, the other was walking strangely, as though there were something wrong with his rear-end.

 

"Elladan, Elrohir!"

 

A golden-haired maiden ran out of the palace, and enfolded them in her arms, ignoring the mud and filth they smeared on her fine gown as they buried their faces in her shoulders.

 

Not far behind her was a second maiden, with hair dark as night, and she hugged them as fiercely as the first.

 

Finally, a tall, imposing elf wrapped his arms around the pair, then stepped back to regard them carefully.  As he took in his mud-covered eldest, he raised one elegant eyebrow.  Then he took in the younger twin.  "Elrohir, why are you standing like that?"

 

Legolas snickered as he walked up, "He sat on a porcupine, Lord Elrond."

 

Arwen slapped her hand over her mouth, and seemed to be struck with a sudden fit of coughing.

 

Celebrian brushed a strand of hair out of his face, and clucked her tongue, "My poor sons, come in, let us get you two cleaned up."

 

Elrond followed behind, the corners of his mouth twitching suspiciously.

 

Arwen looked at Legolas, "How did you find them?"

 

Legolas grinned impishly, "Are you in the mood for a funny story?"

 

~*~

 

"You told Arwen?!"  Elladan looked indignant.

 

Elrohir rolled his eyes, "Well, we knew someone did, brother.  She has held this over our heads for years!"

 

Aragorn was still roaring with laughter when he was struck with a fit of coughing.

 

Legolas reached over, and patted him on the shoulder, "Are you alright, mellon nin?"

 

Aragorn took a  moment to catch his breath, "I'm fine."

 

Elrohir leaned over, and placed a hand on the Ranger's forehead, "No you're not, you're burning up!  Come on, let's get packed up so he can get home to Ada."

 

Aragorn groaned at the prospect of going home, Lord Elrond was certain to make him stay in bed for days, and force foul concoctions down his throat, all in the name of his health.

 

Elladan seemed to read his youngest brothers mind.  "Cheer up, little brother, we weren't the only ones to end up in a scrape on that visit.  Shall I tell you of what happened when Legolas knocked Thranduil into an enchanted river?"

 

The End.

 

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