Being Estel
By Carrie
Disclaimer: I do now own any of these characters, although God only knows that I wish I did. All fictitious names and characters however belong to me, so please ask before you borrow them.
Synopsis: Told for the thousandth time that he is too young to go on a hunting trip with his brothers, a very young Estel begins to wonder if that is the only reason...
All comments and feedback can be sent to: lionesscrs@yahoo.com
Thanks!
Chapter One
Estel ran as fast as his eight-year-old legs could carry him through the corridors to the front doors of Imladris. Upon reaching them, he pushed them open and dashed down the path until he reached the front gate. When he saw the elves there mounted on horseback, he breathed a sigh of relief. Good. They had not left yet. Between gasps, Estel cried, “Elladan!”
The elves, who had just been about to depart, stopped and looked behind them curiously to find the young human clutching the bars tightly with his hands, his eyes round with an eager expectancy and hope.
Elladan suppressed a groan and exclaimed, clearly exasperated, “Oh, Estel! What do you want now?”
Elrohir hid a smile and shot his twin brother a sympathetic look, for it was obvious what the boy wanted. Elrohir had found a fond love for the child, but he knew that Estel aggravated Elladan to no end. Being older and slightly more mature than his brother, Estel knew that Elladan always got the last say in everything, despite what Elrohir himself thought about the matter.
“Can I come with you? Please?” Estel begged.
This had not been the first time Estel had pleaded to go on a hunting trip, and it would not be the last. Elrohir felt almost certain of his brother’s answer.
“Estel, you are too young! You will get hurt, and then I will certainly get in trouble with father. You would not want that, would you?”
Estel was not going to be so easily dissuaded.
“You said that the last time! I just turned eight! Please, please, can I go?” the boy pleaded.
“No!” Elladan snapped, forcefully, his eyes sparking with a brief anger. He had never liked children very much, and it seemed to Elrohir that he liked Estel least of all. The younger twin frowned. There was no need for Elladan to be too hard on the child. “And that is final! Now go back inside, where you belong.”
Estel could feel tears beginning to form in his eyes, and not wanting the other elves to see him cry, he nodded hastily and ran back the way he had come. After the child had gone back inside, Elrohir turned to his brother and narrowed his eyes, glaring darkly at him.
“Neither those words nor that tone was necessary, Elladan,” Elrohir reprimanded, feeling a need to protect Estel.
Elladan stiffened and gave a sniff of disdain. “He must learn that he will not always get what he wants.”
A new anger surged through Elrohir, and he cried, “He lost both his parents to the orcs! Do you think he wanted that?”
Elladan was not backing down from his decision, nor his thoughts.
“He is too young,” he stated firmly. “Now let us depart, or it will be dark before we even begin.”
~*~*~
Estel felt miserable. There were many times when he wished he was an elf, and this was one of them. He knew that all the other elf children had been on hunting trips of their own with their families. Estel blinked back tears as he remembered the times that he used to go and watch his human father and mother hunt. He had never been too young then. Estel sniffled and rubbed a hand over his eyes as he remembered his parents. He missed them.
As he continued down the corridor, new sounds reached his ears above his own sniffles. They were footsteps. Estel was no longer alone, and he had a feeling that his solitude would be much more comforting than his new company.
Young Estel managed to stifle a groan as Hénduil, Celemir, Belimaril, and Galán, four Elven children, rounded the corner, talking amongst themselves. They were supposed to be Estel’s playmates, but they had treated him with hostility ever since they were introduced. When others were not present, they teased jeered at the young human cruelly and pushed him around roughly. Estel had never told anyone about this, and his twin brothers and father never suspected a thing, assuming that the boy got on well with the others who were his own age. This was not the case, and Estel tried to avoid them whenever possible. He tried to walk down the opposite hallway in the hopes of avoiding a confrontation, but Celemir, the leader of the group, managed to grab his arm pull him back with a jerk.
“What are you doing in the hallways alone, human?” the young elf sneered. “What happened to your older brothers? Did they decide they did not want you around anymore?”
The others snickered softly at this, and while Estel felt anger flow through him, the reference to the previous encounter with his brothers brought sadness, and it took the human all he could do to stifle a sniffle.
“They went on a hunting trip,” he answered softly, hoping that they hadn’t heard his voice crack.
“A hunting trip? Why did you not go with them?” Belimaril put in, smiling evilly, for of course he knew the reason. They all did.
While Estel did not want to answer them, he knew he did not have much of a choice. “They said that I was too young. They did not want me to get hurt.”
A wicked gleam appeared in Celemir’s eyes, and he responded, “They just said that to cover up the real reason they did not want you there.”
Estel’s eyes grew slightly, and he exclaimed, “They were just worried about me.”
To Estel’s dismay, Celemir shook his head and continued, “They did not want you there because you would get in the way. Everyone knows that humans are slower and clumsier than Elves. Did you really think that they would ever want you to go with them on a hunting trip? You would not even be able to hold the bow right.”
Estel felt himself growing angry. That couldn’t be the reason. “I don’t believe you!” he cried indignantly.
“Are you calling me a liar?” Celemir demanded.
“N-no,” the human stuttered. “I-I’m just saying that…”
Estel bit back a cry as a fist suddenly struck his chest. He would’ve doubled over had Celemir and Galán not been holding him. Hénduil had backed off, not liking where this was going. While he did not trust the human, the young elf had never really agreed with how his friends treated him. And besides, what if someone where to come down the hall? They would certainly get in trouble, and he would shame his family if they knew that he was somehow involved in the abuse Elrond’s youngest son was taking. The elf was not confident enough to stand up to Celemir however, so he just watched and kept his mouth shut.
“No one calls me a liar,” Celemir stated. “I don’t lie.”
Estel’s eyes widened as he forced himself to look up at Celemir. “Then that was true?”
“Of course it was, human,” Celemir answered. “They just don’t want to say that because they want to make you think that they love you. Did you really think that they love you? Who could ever love a human?”
Estel didn’t want to believe him, but there was one way to find out. He would ask Elrond. Wrenching himself free of the grip the two Elves had on him, the young human tore off down the hall to Elrond’s study running past Hénduil, who had stepped back to let him go by. Celemir glared briefly at the elf for not stopping the human, but then he shrugged his shoulders and called back to his companions as he moved back down the hall, “Come on. Let us go outside and play.”
~*~*~
Elrond was in a particularly bad temper that afternoon. It was not made any better by the report that wargs had been spotted near the borders of Imladris, and had been becoming more aggressive as of late. The relationship between himself and Thranduil was becoming even more strained, and the Elf Lord could not help and think that the entrance of Estel was partly to blame. If only Gandalf had not showed up with the child eight years ago…
But he had, and there was no use in wishing that he had not. There was nothing he could do but deal with the matter at hand. He had asked for Thranduil’s help in dealing with the wargs, but the Mirkwood king had turned his back. Elrond was, to say the least, extremely frustrated, for not so long ago, his people had helped Thranduil tame the spiders, who, at that time, were becoming more adventurous and bold. The king could have at least returned the favor. So when the timid knock on his study door reached his ears, his mood was anything but patient and his tone anything but kind.
“Yes? Who is it and what do you want?” he snapped, his tone short and edged with weariness.
“Ada?” a small voice responded, and the Elven Lord closed his eyes briefly as his door was opened and Estel’s head peered around it. Elrond opened his eyes and turned around to look at his foster son. Sighing heavily, he demanded, harsher than he had intended, “Oh, Valar, Estel, what do you want now?”
Estel cringed at his father’s voice, and moved back. “S-sorry, Ada,” he whispered.
Regretting his biting tone, Elrond returned, “It’s alright. What do you want?”
As he stuck his head back out and was pulling the door closed, the human whispered, “N-nothing Ada.”
Sighing again, the Elven Lord was about to say something when the door closed. He let his head fall into his hands and muttered, “Oh, Estel.”
~*~*~
The young human tore down the hallway, blinking back tears rapidly. Had it been any other day, he might not have minded Elrond’s tone that much. But considering what he had just been told, it affected him greatly.
So Celemir was right. They do not want me. I just get in the way. I am clumsy and slow and I am too young. Why can’t I grow up? And who would love a human anyway?
These thoughts tortured him as he ran to his bedroom. Once there, he collapsed on the bed, sobbing quietly. As his crying abated, he had made up his mind about what he was going to do. He would run away.
And for once, he would not have Elladan on his back telling him he was too young to leave Imladris, for he was not here to tell him.
Chapter Three
Dusk had fallen when Lord Elrond emerged from his study at last. After a long day’s work, he was glad to be able to escape from that prison to the dining hall. He had been so immersed in his toils that he had quite forgotten that Estel had ever come in. The Elven Lord was the first to reach the table, frowning briefly over the absence of his youngest son. The boy was usually prompt, almost always following quickly in after he did. His thoughts were interrupted as laughing was heard down the hall, proceeded by the entrance of his twin sons, Elladan and Elrohir. Or at least one of them was laughing. From the rather sour expression Elladan wore, Elrond could only guess that some sort of trick had been played upon him. The Elven Lord observed them quietly as they took their seats, bickering lightly amongst themselves.
“I still cannot believe you fell for that one,” Elrohir remarked, a large, triumphant grin plastered across his face.
Elladan glowered darkly and responded, “We were on a hunt! You hunt animals on a hunt. How was I to know that you were only joking?”
“Oh, laugh a little bit at yourself, my dear brother,” Elrohir returned, his eyes sparkling good naturedly, not disturbed by his brother’s bad humor, “You really made quite a sight. You should have seen yourself.”
Elladan’s eyes only turned blacker as he replied, “You would not have been smiling if you had an arrow just fly by your head. You could have killed me!”
At this statement, Elrond grew slightly alarmed. Sitting up even straighter, he questioned sharply, “What is this about flying arrows killing each other?”
The twins jumped in surprise at their father’s voice, and they both bowed hastily, not bothering to get out of their seats. Smiling lopsidedly, Elrohir apologized, “Sorry Ada, we did not know you were here.”
Frowning slightly, but trying hard to keep his mouth from turning upward into a smile of his own, Elrond responded, “Is that reply supposed to imply that you did not intend for me to hear what you were discussing?”
Ignoring his brother’s reddening face, Elrohir went on, “Oh no, Ada. In fact I regret that you were not there. You missed quite a spectacle.”
“Oh, shut-up,” Elladan grumbled, sliding down farther in his seat.
“You are so serious. Lighten up a bit, brother,” Elrohir returned, grinning.
“You are so immature. Grow up a bit, brother,” Elladan shot back, glaring daggers at his twin. Elrohir opened his mouth prepared with a retort of his own, but Elrond interrupted, “That is quite enough from the pair of you.” He looked at them sternly and went on, “Now, where is Estel?” The still empty seat of his youngest worried him.
The tension rose ever so slightly in the room. Elrohir glanced at his brother uneasily—the morning incident still fresh in his mind—and answered, “Why, except for the morning, we have not seen him all day. We were off hunting, remember Ada?”
Elrond frowned. “He was not in his room when you passed by there?
“Actually, his door was closed, and I did not think to check,” Elrohir responded, his eyes beginning to fill with concern.
Elladan mumbled something incomprehensible under his breath. Turning towards him intently, Elrohir questioned sharply, an edge to his tone, “What was that, Elladan?”
Slamming his first down upon the table, Elrond spoke loudly, “Did you not hear what I told you? Silence! Now I want the both of you to get up and search for your brother.”
It was only after they departed from the dining hall when Elrond remembered that his youngest son had been in to see him earlier that day. The biting tone he had used came back to him, and now he realized why Estel had been acting that way. Of course. Elladan and Elrohir had been off hunting today. With a low groan of distress and regret, it did not take the Elven Lord long to figure out what had happened to Estel.
~*~*~
The veil of darkness had already descended upon Middle Earth. There was no moon, and the stars provided little light. Estel shivered as a sharp, cold breeze whipped briskly by him. He drew his jacket around him, and tried to focus intently on the path ahead of him. It felt as if he had been walking forever, but he was not even out of Rivendell. In fact, he had not made it much farther than Elrond’s palace, but he had gotten twisted around in the forest paths and it seemed to the boy that he had been walking much farther than he really had.
No one had been sent to look for him. They did not even care that he was missing. He brushed a hand quickly over his eyes as tears began to form. He was tired, and hungry, and he wished now that he could be back in his warm bed at home.
It’s not your home anymore, Estel. Remember?
In his misery and renewed self-pity, the human had not been paying much attention to the path. He gave a cry as he tripped over an elevated tree root. He landed face down on the ground, and in his exhaustion, the boy found that he was unable to get up. Now his ankle hurt, and he feared that he might have twisted it as he had plummeted to the Earth. The tears came again, and this time he could not stop them. Not knowing what else to do, Estel lay there, and eventually cried himself to sleep.
~*~*~
The twins had decided that it would be best if they split up on their search, for neither one of them knew which path Estel had taken, and they would be able to cover more distance alone. Elladan muttered thick curses in Dwarvish as he made his way down the paths that led him deeper and deeper into the forest. Although he did not want to admit it, he was feeling concern and even a little guilt of his own for his human brother. He just hoped that his brother was not hurt, and he would not feel as badly as he was starting to feel now. He knew his father was having more trouble with the wargs, and he wished fervently that none of them had found his brother.
It was dark, but that did not hinder an elf’s eyesight. Elladan had no problem seeing every outline on the path, and so after he had traveled a farther distance upon the path, he was able to spot the form of his brother sprawled on the ground before he tripped over him. Sighing heavily, the elf knelt down next to Estel, noting the way his ankle was twisted with concern. The boy was asleep, and the still wet tracks that lined both his cheeks were clear evidence that he had been crying. Another pang of guilt shot through Elladan, and even though Estel was wearing a jacket, it was thin, and the child was obviously cold. The elf took off his own coat and wrapped it gently around his brother. He had not intended to wake him, but meant instead to carry him back to Rivendell. Elladan was then surprised to find Estel staring at him he was about to scoop him up in his arms and carry him back. It pained Elladan inside to see the way in which his human brother tried to scoot away from him.
“Estel, please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Elladan told him lamely, wishing instantly that he had chosen better words. He had never been good with children, and part of the reason for that was that he had never been good at saying the right things.
Estel’s eyes only grew wider and after a few moments of silence, he whispered hoarsely, “Why don’t you like me?”
Sighing, Elladan responded, “Estel… it’s not that. Please, try to understand that…”
“Do I really get in the way?” the human pressed.
Elladan wondered momentarily where he had gotten these thoughts into his head. Something more was on the boy’s mind.
“Of course you don’t, Estel,” Elladan answered reassuringly.
As he tried to inch farther away, Estel went on, “But they said…” and then stopped after he realized what it was he had been going to say.
Elladan frowned, feeling anger pass over him. “Who’s they?” he demanded, wishing instantly that he had not spoken so harshly. It was not the boy’s fault.
Estel’s eyes fell to the forest floor. Sighing again, Elladan stood. It was clear that he did not want to speak about it.
“Never mind. Come on. You’ll catch your death of cold out here. Father is worried sick about you. Elrohir is also out looking for you, we should go home and let him know that you have been found.”
Estel had just begun to stand shakily to his feet when a dark shape suddenly hurled itself out of the forest and leaped upon the boy, knocking him to the ground.
“Estel!” Elladan shouted, his cry echoing through the woods.
Chapter Four
Elrohir’s swift walk turned into a fast run as his brother’s shout reached his ears. At first he was concerned that Elladan had reacted out of another bout of sudden anger, but the shout was not filled with hostility. It was one of concern, worry, and even surprise, which caused fear’s icy claws to grip Elrohir’s throat. His father had spoken of the augmented audacity of the wargs, but they had never dared to venture so deep into the forests of Imladris before. If wargs had indeed found his brothers in the heart of the woods, they all faced a serious problem on their hands. This could not and would not be allowed to continue. Elrohir shook the thoughts out of his head and forced himself to focus on the matter at hand. Worrying about the future would not help the present situation at all. Hoping for the best, and yet fearing the worst, Elrohir increased his pace and prayed to Illuvitar that he would find his brothers unharmed and in one piece.
~*~*~
Estel gasped as he was slammed back down onto the ground. It was suddenly hard to breathe and yellow spots danced before his eyes. He felt the creature’s thick claws digging into his back through his shirt, and he bit his lip to prevent a cry from escaping his throat.
After the moment of surprise had passed, Elladan jumped to his feet immediately and drew his dagger from his belt. Elves were known for their accurate throws, and Elladan himself rarely missed any target. Therefore when he threw the blade, the warg shrieked as it fell over, soon dead. Elladan did not wait any longer but rushed to his younger brother’s side, shoving the beast completely off him. Worry filled his heart as he realized that Estel’s eyes were closed, and his skin was clammy to the touch. The back of the boy’s shirt was ripped, and Elladan guessed that the tears were due to the claws that had racked his back. As he turned the boy over gently, relief covered Elladan’s features as he found Estel’s wide eyes staring back at him.
“Oh Estel,” Elladan mumbled. “I was so afraid that…”
He did not get a chance to finish as a shout cut across the night air.
“Elladan! Estel!”
Jumping to his feet, Elladan turned to face the source of the sound and returned the call. “Elrohir!”
The younger twin reached the scene, and not seeing the dead warg at first, exclaimed, “Oh thank Illuvitar, I was so worried! What happened…?”
His voice trailed off as he saw the dead beast and his younger human brother lying on the ground. Estel had begun to cough, and his face contorted into one of pain for it hurt slightly to breathe. The pain in his ankle had also renewed, and he feared that he would not be able to get up this time. Elrohir strode swiftly over to his brother and knelt down beside him.
“Estel, don’t ever do that again. You scared us all half way to Mandos…”
“So you do really love me?” The human asked softly, his breath catching as pain filled his chest.
“Estel… where did you ever get the idea that we did not? Of course we love you. Now come, let’s get you home. You look like you could use some medical care,” Elrohir answered softly.
And some love, he added silently as he scooped the boy gently up, wrapping his arms firmly but carefully around him. No sooner had Estel rested his head upon his brother’s shoulder than he was asleep, at last feeling safe and loved in the presence of his brothers.
~*~*~
A fire crackled softly in the hearth, and Estel was asleep, finally under the warm covers of his own bed. The Lord Elrond had drawn up a stool beside him, gazing at his son fondly. Elrohir had been in earlier to visit them and to say good night to Estel, relying the incident to him before he left. It had been only one warg, and it was not even a very big one… but one could lead to two, and two could lead to three, which could lead to many more. This had to be stopped before it got out of hand. So immersed was he in his thoughts that he did not look up when Elladan entered, and for a moment the elf wondered if his father had head him. But the thought was ridiculous in itself, for Elves had keen hearing, and the very idea was banished for it was Elrond who spoke first.
“I was wondering when you would come, Elladan.”
The elf did not respond right away, and instead found his eyes wandering over to the still form of his brother. He felt anger surge through him as he thought of the ones who had made him think those things.
“He believed we did not love him. If I find the ones who were responsible for putting those doubts in his mind, they’ll wish they never saw the light of day,” Elladan muttered, his voice laced with hatred.
“If I understand correctly,” Elrond pointed out softly, “you helped to do that, my son.”
Anger flared momentarily and Elladan exclaimed, “Who told you about that?”
“Elrohir was in to see me before he retired to his bed. He thought it best that I learned of the morning incident between you and Estel.”
Sighing with frustration, Elladan murmured, “I did not know he would tell, but it was probably the right thing to do. I really am sorry. I did not mean to snap that hard.”
“I know you did not, but Estel did not know that you did not mean the words you spoke. I suggest you make it up to him in some way,” Elrond advised.
Elladan raised his eyes and locked his gaze with his father.
“When he is well again, I promise I will,” he swore, his eyes sparkling with a new, fierce protective love for his human brother.
~*~*~
Nearly a month had passed since the incident with the warg, and Estel was now able to walk through the halls of Imladris freely again. On one particular morning, the human had risen unnaturally late due to the festivities in the Hall of Fire the night before, and when he arrived at breakfast, he was quite surprised to see that Elladan and Elrohir were not at the table.
“Ada, where are…?” he began.
His eyes twinkling, Elrond replied, “Let’s see… I do not rightly know, but they were talking about going off for a small hunting trip later today. I assume that they are at the stables now getting ready…”
The Elven Lord did not even get a chance to finish, for no sooner had he said the word “hunt” then Estel was already out of the room, his breakfast quickly forgotten. Elrond shook his head as he was once again the only one left in the dining hall.
“Kids,” he laughed softly, and continued to finish his breakfast, relishing the rare moment of peace and quiet and wondering what the day would feel like without the presence of his three sons.
THE END